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Today Is

Humor

20.12.03

Jokes again. 

HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE FOREST?
They take the Psycho path.

WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
Polaroids.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick.

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho Cheese.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.

WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quatro Sinko.

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck.

WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers.

WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.

WHY DO A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes, whack, dang it! A bad skydiver goes, dang it, whack!

HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
Tame way, unique up on it.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.

HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND AN ARKANSAS DIVORCE THE SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer


Hér kemur sönnun þess að einn heimskur maður getur spurt að því sem 10 vitringar geta ekki svarað...

Hvað eru fiðrildi með í maganum þegar þau eru ástfangin?

Hvers vegna eru hermenn í borgarastyrjöld?

Af hverju er síðasti söludagur á sýrðum rjóma?

Hvað telja kindur þegar þær geta ekki sofnað?

Eru haldin kaffihlé í teverksmiðjum?

Af hverju kallast maður sem talar dónalega við konu karlrembusvín, en fær kona sem talar dónalega við karlmenn borgað á mínútuna?

Hver er hraði myrkursins?

Af hverju nota kamikazeflugmenn hjálm?

Af hverju er framleitt Whiskas með kjúkling, Whiskas með nautakjöti, Whiskas með fiski en ekki Whiskas með mús?

Er fullur tölvudiskur þyngri en tómur?

Ef geðklofi hótar að fremja sjálfsmorð, kallast það þá gíslataka?

Af hverju svarar símsvarinn aldrei þegar hann er spurður?

Ef maísolía er gerð úr maís og olívuolía úr olívum, hvernig er því háttað með barnaolíuna?

Ef sund er gott fyrir handleggi og fætur, af hverju eru fiskar með hvorugt?

Af hverju eru seldar sígarettur á bensínstöðvum þegar það er bannað að reykja þar?

Ef bannað er að aka bíl drukkinn, af hverju eru þá bílastæði við bari og kaffihús?

Hvernig kemst bílstjóri sanddreyfibíls í vinnuna á morgnana?

Ef ekkert festist við Teflon-húð, hvernig er hún þá fest við pönnuna?

Fá fiskar, eins og fólk, krampa ef þeir fara í sund strax eftir matinn?

Hvað kallast plastið sem er á endum skóreimanna þinna?

Af hverju er hægt að læsa búð sem er opin 24 klst 365 daga á ári?

Svarti kassinn í flugvélum lifir öll slys af, af hverju er flugvélin sjálf ekki gerð úr sama efni?

Eru vegvísar til blindraskólans á blindraletri?

Hver fann upp á að mjólka kýr og hvað hélt hann að hann væri að gera þegar hann byrjaði á því?

Af hverju finnur maður alltaf bara einn skó í vegarkantinum?

Hvað verður um gúmmíið sem slitnar af hjólbörðum?

Til hvers eru hvítu hálfmánarnir á nöglunum þínum?

Brauðsneið dettur alltaf þannig að smjörið lendir á gólfinu.

Hvað myndi gerast ef maður myndi binda brauðsneið á bakið á ketti og láta köttinn detta?

You know when you're from iceland when...

Snow tires come standard on all your cars.

You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.

You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike.

Down South to you means Canada.

Birds chirping at 3am in July is normal.

You have a passport to leave the island.

You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Brennivin.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a tree.

Wearing high heels and a skirt, and going out dancing is "normal" during a hurricane.

You were unaware there is a legal drinking age.

You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend.

You enjoy driving in the winter because the potholes fill in with snow.

Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.

Headlines read "Cow born in Strútafjörður".

At least once a year, a family members' kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

At times, your second floor balcony doubles as a front door.

You find 0 degrees a little chilly.

You actually understand these jokes.

Gott að vera kona???

1. Fríir drykkir.

2. Fríir kvöldverðir.

3. Þú getur faðmað vin þinn án þess að hafa áhyggjur af því hvort hann er hommi.

4. Þú getur faðmað vin þinn án þess að þú hafir áhyggjur af því að þú sért hommi.

5. Þú veist SANNLEIKANN um hvort stærðin skiptir máli.

6. Nýr varalitur gefur lífinu lit.

7. Ef þú sefur hjá einhverjum ertu ekki bundin við það að hringja næsta dag.

8. Þú ert enginn djöfull.

9. Þú getur höfðað mál gegn forsetanum vegna kynferðislegrar áreitni.

10. Þú þarft ekki að reka við til að skemmta sjálfum þér.

11. Ef þú heldur fram hjá manninum þínum er það vegna þess að þú hefur verið tilfinningalega vansvelt

12. Þú þarft aldrei að hafa áhyggjur af því hvort elskhuginn hafi gert sér upp fullnægingu.

13. Það líður ekki yfir neinn þegar þú ferð úr skónum.

14. Ef þú telur að sá sem þú ert að hitta þessa stundina sé hrifinn af þér þarftu ekki að hlaupa til og losa þig við hann.

15. Ef þú gleymir að raka þig þarf enginn að vita af því.

16. Þú hefur ekki þörf fyrir að kíkja svo og svo oft niður til að athuga hvort hann sé enn þá þarna.

17. Þú hefur þann hæfileika að klæða þig upp sjálf skammarlaust.

18. Þú hefur afsökun fyrir því að vera alger skepna einu sinni á mánuði.

19. Þú getur talað við fólk af gagnstæðu kyni án þess að fara að ímynda þér það nakið.

20. Þú rekst örugglega aldrei á neinn sem þú þekkir þegar þú ert að pissa utandyra.

21. Þú getur endað slagsmál hratt og örugglega með því að byrja að gráta.

22. Vinir þínir telja þig örugglega ekki skrítna þótt þú spyrjir þá hvort að sé spínat fast á milli tannanna.

23. Súkkulaðistykki getur á ákveðnum stundum leyst úr öllum þínum vanda.

24. Þér þykir ekkert óþægilegt þótt þjónn sé samkynhneigður.

25. Þú getur metið manneskju með því að horfa á skóbúnað hennar.

26. Þú ert ekki með hár á bakinu.

27. Þú þekkir glasið þitt alltaf aftur á varalitnum.

Segið mér svo: Hvort er betra að vera karlmaður eða kvenmaður???

19.12.03

Pics and jokes. 



Do What the man says.....











Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"


My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully inadequate, that evolution laughs at you and promises that your male offspring will also be cursed with your ridiculous nubbin -- thus dooming your DNA!
My genitals are so sweetly intoxicating, I was able to convince Cornel West and Camille Paglia to violently disrobe and vigorously copulate with me in a Chablis-fueled, mind-bending threesome that made the seraphim in paradise blush with a mixture of shame and desire!

My genitals are so leviathan that Ahab himself, if he were rendered a non-fictional creature, would surely stand upon his masts crows nest and lob mighty harpoons at me!

If the teaming masses were to behold my juggernaut-like genitals, surely Marx's concept of the End of History would be nigh.

My genitals are of such behemoth proportions, it is to the world of genitalia what Noam Chomsky is to the study of global activism!

My genitals are so mammoth in size, that if inches were words, my member could fill every page of one of Ayn Rand's epic Objectivist tomes!

A fine 1997 Chateau-La Cardonne Bordeaux would go well with my robust and flavorful genitals, even after the third helping!

My genitals are so bursting with sexual magnetism, I could single-handedly seduce and defile the entire lesbian population of Sarah Lawrence University!

My genitals bloat with such passionate force, that upon arousal, I barely have enough epidermis to purse my lips so that I may recite Shelley's immortal poem "Ozymandias"!

If Philip Glass wrote an ambient opera in honor of my genitals, the title of the epic collection of random notes and sounds would be "Phantasmagoric Ode To Big Dong Number Five."!

Hemingway''''s lost book about my genitals began thusly: "His organ was big."

My virility is so profoundly cosmic, that in the event that every human male were to cease to be, my limitless supplies of genetically super-human semen could impregnate the remaining female population, thus siring a perfect race of confident, and impressively endowed men!

Tired Freudian references aside - your mother played my mighty skin flute like a surf crowned sea nymph trying to rouse Poseidon from his watery slumber!

Kurt Anderson secretly admires the cultural relevancy of my genitals, which have supplied artists and writers alike the inspiration needed to create great American works, and this admiration turned to sour envy when he ignored my zippered muse and wrote that appalling "Turn of the Century" that many have mistakenly referred to as a "novel"!

So colossal are my genitals, that they compelled Stephen Hawking to theorize that my sexual gravity is such that a tablespoon of it would weigh more than an entire LA club full of amorous, cocaine-addled, Prada-clad Casanovas!

My genitals are comparable to Harvard University’s endowment - both are the largest of their kind, both are institutions that demand the respect of academics and undergraduate trollops, and both cannot be seen or used by anyone of low birth or intelligence, unless they work very hard to prove they are worthy.


10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

What do you call a 350-pound stripper?

Broke!


I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

Why is 77 better than 69? 'Cause you get 8 more!

Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles?
People say he was half-nuts!

Sjáið brjóstin,upp,niður,upp,niður,ahhhh

18.12.03

Great Thinkers of Our Time? 

Great Thinkers of Our Time?

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would
live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not
live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the
same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also
discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember
what they are."
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with
the law."
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations
that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson
for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country."
-- Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the
riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple:
Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to
blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social
issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away
from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new
land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for
themselves."
-- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland

"It's like changing the rules in the middle of the stream."
-- Rev. Jesse Jackson

"I don't know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me,
except maybe everyone else in America."
-- President William Jefferson Clinton

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind
is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will
be cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

And in 2000, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the
Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who
would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes
Bill from running again...

Awesome Factoid 

=== Awesome Factoid ===


A “buckle bunny” is a woman who goes to rodeos with the intent of having sex with a rodeo cowboy.



=== Ludicrous Daily Factoid ===

Chopsticks originated from China approximately 4,000 years ago.


=== Awesome Factoid ===

Casanova boasted that he made love to the same woman twelve times in one day.
(He obviously was not married to said woman)

=== Ludicrous Daily Factoid ===

Actress Jamie Lee Curtis invented a special diaper for babies that has a pocket.

=== Ludicrous Daily Factoid ===

Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby-Doo.

== Ludicrous Daily Factoid ===

Eating the heart of a male Partridge was the cure for
impotence in ancient Babylon.

=== Awesome Factoid ===

More Americans lose their virginity in June than in any other month.
"Must be all those weddings and prom nights"


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

Though human noses have an impressive 5 million
olfactory cells with which to smell, sheepdogs
have 220 million, enabling them to smell 44
times better than man.


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

The biggest frog is the appropriately named Goliath frog
(Conraua goliath) of Cameroon. They reach nearly 30 cm
(a foot) and weigh as much as 3.3 kilograms


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

During the mating season, male porcupines bristle their
quills at each other and chatter their teeth in rage before
attacking. All porcupines at this time become very vocal:
grunting, whining, chattering, even barking and mewing at
each other.


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

To warn off other males, the orangutans of South-east
Asia burp loudly to declare their territory.


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

The female green turtle sheds tears as she
lays her eggs on the beach. This washes sand
particles out of her eyes and rids her body
of excess salt.


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

The porcupine's love for salt often leads the animal
to roadways or walkways where salt has been sprinkled
to melt the ice. They will lick and gnaw on anything
containing salt, such as saddles, canoe paddles, and
ax handles.



=== Factoid Of The Day ===

In 1986, a guard in an armored car was killed
when $50,000 worth of quarters fell on him.



=== Factoid Of The Day ===

Natural blondes have more hairs on their heads
than redheads or any shade of brunette. A blonde
has about 120,000 strands of hair, while a redhead
has about 30% less strands than the blonde at
about 80,000. Brunettes are somewhere in between
the two.


== Factoid Of The Day ===

The electric eel lives in the Amazon River and
its tributaries in South America. The rivers
churn up a lot of mud and the eels cannot see
well in them. Two less powerful electric fish
are the electric catfish and ray. Electric rays
live in warm ocean water, and they can give off
a charge of sufficient force to stun a human.
The biggest electric ray, the Atlantic torpedo
ray, can weigh 200 pounds.


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

Some species of rain forest birds migrate every
summer from South America to Canada to breed.


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

Ferdinand Porsche, who later went on to build
sports cars bearing his own name, designed
the original 1936 Volkswagen.


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

To conceal her pregnancy, Queen Juana of Portugal
is credited with wearing the first hoop skirt
in 1470.


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

In New Zealand is the tuatara, the only survivor
of a group of ancient reptiles distantly related
to the dinosaurs. Occasionally mistaken for a
lizard, the tuatara is now found only on a few
offshore islands, and is protected by law.


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

An ox is a castrated bull. A mule is a sterile cross
between a male ass and a female horse.


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

By deftly swinging, stretching, and doubling a
fist-size lump of flour-and-water dough, a Chinese
master noodle-maker can create 2,048 strands of
long xu mian, dragon's beard noodles, each as
fine as a human hair. This Chinese delicacy is
deep-fried and wrapped into thin pancakes.


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

The evolution of social life in ants and termites
has been accompanied by an extraordinary royal
perk — a 100-fold increase among queen ants in
average maximum lifespan, with some queens
surviving for almost 30 years. This longevity
can be attributed in part to the sheltered and
pampered life of the royal egg layer.


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

The two hemispheres of a dolphin's brain work
independently. For 8 hours, the entire brain
is awake. The left side then sleeps for 8 hours.
When it wakes up, the right side sleeps for 8
hours. Thus, the dolphin gets 8 hours of sleep
without ever having to stop physically.


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

Chitosan, made from the shells of shrimps and crabs,
is used by doctors to stitch people's wounds.


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

According to Gambler's Digest, more cheating takes
place in private, friendly gambling games than
in all other gambling games combined.


=== Factoid Of The Day ===

The world's largest rodent is the Capybara. An
Amazon water hog that looks like a guinea pig,
it can weigh more than 100 pounds.



Q: Why is Coors Light like making love in a canoe?

A: They're both fucking close to water.


=== Ludicrous Daily Factoid ===

Domesticated turkeys cannot fly. Wild turkeys, however, can
fly for short distances at speeds up to 55 miles per hour.
They can also reach speeds of 25 miles per hour on the
ground.

=== Ludicrous Daily Factoid ===

Odontophobia is the fear of teeth.


How do we know men invented maps?
.
..
...
....
Who else would make an inch into a mile?


=== Awesome Factoid ===

8.5 billion condoms are produced every year worldwide.


OK, it's obviously old, but...
What did Monica Lewinski do to Bill Clinton on Thanksgiving?
.
..
...
....
Gobble - Gobble?


=== Awesome Factoid ===

It has been estimated that 95% of Americans eat turkey at Thanksgiving.




=== Awesome Factoid ===

An adult gorilla's penis is only two inches long.

Dear Mr. Bill Collector: 

Dear Mr. Bill Collector:

I have not opened the bills that you sent me because I
saw some white Powder on the envelope. I fear that it
may be anthrax. I am sorry that your Payment will be
late. Until the president says that we have caught
Osama bin Laden and that it is safe to open my mail, I
have no idea what to pay you.

Sincerely,
I-O-U

Forward this on to any poor souls who are up to their
neck in debt also.


Það var einusinni kona sem pantaði pizzu, á meðan pizzan var að koma fór hún í sturtu. Pizzu sendillinn kom á meðan hún var í sturtu, hún átti bara lítil handklæði og setti eitt yfir brjóstin á sér, hljóp fram og kíkti í kíkjugatið, en Pizzu sendillinn í bréfalúguna. Pizzasendillinn: Hei krulli, er mamma þín heim?

Það voru tvö fóstur í maganum á mömmu sinni. annað spurði hitt: hei, hvort finnst þér skemmtilegri mamma eða pabbi? hitt svaraði öðru: mér finnst nú mamma skemmtilegri, við búum í henni. en hitt svaraði: já, mér finnst nú pabbi skemmtilegri, hann kemur svo oft í heimsókn :P

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.
"That's cool." Says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was
anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one
operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really
rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24
months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed,
"sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured,
"too obvious, huh?"


A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.

"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."


Friend of mine named hates to lose at golf. He was in a foursome when
his ball landed in a sand trap. Hidden from view, the rest of us could
hear him as he hacked away at the ball. When he finally drove it out,
and rejoined us, I asked him how many strokes that was.

"Three." he replied.

"Oh come on!" said another member of the group. "I heard six."

"Three..." replied Dan "were echoes."


A cannibal getting stomach aches so he went to the
"witch doctor" who couldn't figure out what was wrong.
He gave the cannibal a medicine and sent him home.

The next day the cannibal came back to the witch
doctor and complained of cramps and pains. The witch
doctor asked him a bunch of questions and could not
figure out what was wrong.

As a last resort, the witch doctor asked the cannibal
if he had eaten' anything strange. The cannibal replied
"no." "Well, what are you eating?" the witch doctor asked.

"The usual," replied the cannibal, "You know just a
couple of those Missionaries every now and then." "Missionaries?"
replied the witch doctor. "Just how do you cook them?" he asked.

"The normal way" answered the cannibal as he described
the technique. "I boil a lot of water in the big pot, add a little
seasoning, a few herbs and vegetables" he further related.

Well, that sounded right to the witch doctor so he pressed
a little further; "So, describe these missionaries to me" he asked.
"Well," replied the cannibal, "you know the ones, they wear those brown
robes, wear those sandals on their feet, and they have that bald spot on
top of their head."

"THAT'S IT!" exclaimed the witch doctor, "That's your
problem! Those are friars ... not boilers!!!"


While at a marine-supply store stocking up on equipment
for my boat, I also purchased an inflatable life preserver.
"It was my wife's idea," I explained to the grizzled salesman at the
counter. "She's buying it for me as a gift."

"Lucky you," he said as he started to write up the order.
"My wife got me a length of chain and a cement block."
~

At a dinner party to introduce the new Administrator of the State
Highway, everybody's new boss went on and on extolling his own virtues,
forward-thinking, the modernization he'd put in place, the downsizing,
equipment upgrades, roadway improvements he had both instituted and
planned for the future while he was with the Pennsylvania Dept of
Transportation.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, he opened the floor for
questions.

"Sir," said a voice from the back of the room, "perhaps you'd also tell
us why they fired you."


The single Mother had married a Jewish man. She had agreed
to let her son decide which faith to embrace. As both Christmas and
Hanukkah neared, they agreed to decorate the house in the traditions of
each faith. The woman and her son decorated the Christmas tree and
placed all of the other decorations around the house.

When they were finished, the husband got out his Menorah and placed it
on the mantle.

The wife said, "That's it??? Aren't we going to go chop
down a Hanukkah tree and decorate it?"



The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by
putting a few signs in well-placed locations.

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat
for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be
yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep
all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of
that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Thanks Mr. Roy

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites
have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the
basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been
engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been
wired to explode when touched. Good luck...

12 hlutir sema þu vildir ekki vita!!

1) Eftir eins tíma sundferð hefur þú komist í snertingu við hálfan lítra af þvagi.

2) Á meðaldegi kemst þú í óbeina snertingu við 15 tippi, t.d. við að taka í hurðarhúna.

3) Árleg neysla meðalmanneskju á skyndibitamat inniheldur 12 kynfærahár.

4) Á einu ári gleypir þú 14 skordýr í svefni.

5) Á einu ári heilsar þú með handabandi 11 konum sem hafa nýlega fróað sér og gleymt að þvo sér um hendurnar.

6) Á einu ári heilsar þú með handabandi 6 körlum sem hafa nýlega fróað sér og gleymt að þvo sér um hendurnar.

7) Flestir karlmenn þvo alls ekkert á sér hendurnar eftir að hafa verið á klósettinu. Veltu því fyrir þér næst þegar þú ert á barnum og færð þér hnetur úr skálinni á barborðinu.

8) Í meðalbrúðkaupi hefur þú hundrað möguleika á að smitast af frunsu frá einum gestanna.

9) Þú andar daglega að þér hálfum lítra af endaþarmsgasi frá öðrum.

10) Tannlæknar telja að tannburstar verði að vera í a.m.k. tveggja metra fjarlægð frá klósettskálinni til að sýklar í loftinu frá skálinni festist ekki á burstunum.

11) Þú eyðir sex mánuðum lífs þíns á klósettinu.

12) Ef þú nagar neglurnar innbyrðirðu meira magn sýkla en ef þú sleiktir hreina klósettskál.

Verði þér að góðu!


VATN !!
- 75% Bandaríkjamanna eru með krónískan ofþurrk. (Á sennilega við helminginn af íbúum jarðar)
- Hjá 37% Bandaríkjamanna er þorstaskynjunin orðin svo slök að hún er oft túlkuð sem hungur
- Jafnvel vægur ofþurrkur getur hægt á brennslukerfi líkamans um 3%.
- Eitt glas af vatni nægði til að slá alveg á hungurverki seint að kvöldi hjá næstum 100% þátttakenda í könnum hjá Háskóla í Washington.
- Ónóg neysla af vatni, er í FYRSTA SÆTI yfir það sem veldur þreytu yfir daginn.
- Niðurstöður úr einni könnun gefa til kynna að drekki fólk 8-10 glös af vatni yfir daginn gæti það létt á bakverkjum og liðaverkjum hjá allt að 80% þeirra sem þjást af þessum verkjum.
- Ef vatnið í líkamanum minnkar um aðeins 2% getur það valdið lélegu skammtímaminni, erfiðleikum með einfalda stærðfræði og skorti á einbeitingu við lestur á tölvuskjá eða annað prentmál.
- Að drekka 5 glös af vatni á dag dregur um 45% úr áhættu á krabbameini í þörmum auk þess sem það getur dregið allt að 79% úr áhættu á brjóstkrabba og lækkar áhættu karlmanna á blöðruhálskrabbameini um 50%.

Drekkur þú jafn mikið vatn og þú ættir að gera á hverjum degi?

KÓK !!
- Í mörgum bandarískum fylkjum er vegalögreglan með10 lítra af kóki í bílunum hjá sér til að þrífa blóð af vegum eftir umferðarslys.
- Þú getur sett T-Bone steik í skál af kóki og hún verður horfin eftir 2 daga.
- Til að hreinsa klósettið: Helltu einni dós af kók ofan í klósetið, bíddu í eina klukkustund og sturtaðu svo niður. Sýran í kókinu leysir upp bletti.
- Til að fjarlægja ryðbletti af krómstuðurum: Dýfðu krumpuðum álpappír í kók og nuddaðu stuðarann.
- Til að hreinsa rafgeyminn í bílnum: Helltu einni dós af kók yfir rafgeymatengslin.
- Til að losa ryðgaðan bolta (skrúfu). Rennbleyttu tusku með kóki og haltu henni að boltanum í nokkrar mínútur.
- Til að fjarlægja fitubletti úr fatnaði: Helltu einni dós af kók í þvottavélina bættu við þvottaefni og þvoðu eins og venjulega. Kókið leysir upp fitublettina.
- Framrúðan á bílnum þínum hreinsast líka vel með kóki.
- Virka efnið í kók er phosphoric acid.
- Ph í kók er 2.8. Það getur leyst upp nögl á ca fjórum dögum.
- Til að flytja Coca-Cola sýrópið (fullan styrk) þurfa vöruflutningabifreiðar að hafa á sér viðvörunarskilti sem einungis eru notuð á bíla sem flytja MJÖG ÆTANDI EFNUM.
- Dreifingaraðilar Coca-Cola hafa notað gosdrykkinn í um það bil 20 ár til að hreinsa vélarnar í trukkunum hjá sér.

Langar þér enn í kók!?!?!?!

14.12.03

Brandarar.... 

Confucious say:
Man with hand in pocket, feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet, high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man who wanks in cash register, come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet, have shitty time.
Man who fart in church, must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period, get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong-man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes, get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate-come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat, must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon-one prick, all gone


Signs You're Too Fat.....

Only thing you read: takeout menus.

You've had a garage door installed in your bedroom.

Got cable just for the Food Network.

You skip your son's wedding because you don't want to
miss Blimpie's 2-for-1 sale.

Red Cross changed your blood type from "O" to "Pancake
batter".

Scientists won a Nobel Prize for measuring your
gravitational field.

Blinking leaves you winded.

You buy ham by the square foot.

Southwest Airlines makes you purchase 3 tickets.

And the #1 sign you're too fat ...

You start every day with a nice, steaming cup of
gravy.



Things not to do at a job interview....
Unusual behavior by job applicants...

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job
application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and
the music at the same time."

3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to
office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the
personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat
a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's
office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his
loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering
specific interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and
started tap dancing around my office."

9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there
dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed
his hair, and left."

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash
picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who
interviewed him."

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too
much."

12. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the
candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off,
apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

13. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was
from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this:
"'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said,
'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview
any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll
pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there
was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher
offer."

14. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the
contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted
makeup and perfume."

15. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the
unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

16. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture
on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was
home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

17. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he
said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off.
Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and
that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to
the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I
did need to get a new desk."


Manchester leikurinn - Man Utd 3 - Man City 1 

Jæja,leikurinn í dag var góð skemmtun,allavega fyrir okkur Man Utd fans,gaman að sjá Paul Scholes keppa aftur,og svo skoraði hann líka tvö mörk (Ruud var með 1) en þetta var bara nokkuð prúðmannlega leikinn leikur,og ekkert svo svakalega harkalegur.En Giggs var góður líka,ekkert smá fljótur að hlaupa gaurinn,hvað ætli hann fari 100 metrana á?
En vonandi fáum við Sólkerið fljótlega inn aftur,en hann er víst ennþá meiddur karlinn......
Og svo er hérna mynd fyrir ykkur sem ekki fílið fótbolta;)





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